A Twisted Rhapsody
by Gigabomb
Summary: A crack Soundnin story for those who like that sort of thing. Chapter 3: Birthday picnic, deer, and voyeurs who are far too familiar. Kidoumaru x Ino
1. Meeting Your Soul Mate in a Bar

Author's Note: I am determined to write the most crack pairing ever that isn't squicky beyond belief. Since all crack pairings require some explanation, feel free to skip the next five paragraphs (and two sentences) if you don't care to read it.

I saw episodes 116-117 of Naruto, liked Kidoumaru, thought he was incredibly hot when he died (proving that I have unconscious tendencies towards necrophilia), and then immediately tried to think of someone to slash him with. No dice. As much as I wanted to see Kidoumaru with, well, pretty much anyone, he just isn't gay. I had to live with it. I may write him as someone who's into knitting, but if anything, like Gai's tendency to burst out crying as random intervals, it just enforced his heterosexuality (all this really means is that I can't write Gai with a man; I still read Kakashi/Gai at the slightest opportunity).

Of course, that meant I had to search for a woman to put Kidoumaru with. Tayuya was right out. She rather reminds me of Temari with a more abrasive personality, and though both women need laidback guys, (i.e. Shikamaru/Temari), Kidoumaru isn't exactly easygoing. I see him as someone who, if he lived in the modern day, would go rock-climbing and parachuting at the slightest opportunity, probably without the necessary safety equipment.

So again I cast my search. There is a depressing dearth of female Sound-nins, the only other being Kin, who rather lacks in personality and is rather dead, besides. Of course, Kidoumaru is dead too, but series-wise, he bit it less than an hour ago, so doesn't count. . . as much. (Besides, doesn't it strike you as kind of odd that right before Kidoumaru "dies," he says he hadn't been so injured since Kimimaro? Meaning, of course, that he survived such injuries before. And he talked a long, long time after his "fatal" injury. Hmmm. . .) So my hunt for someone to put Kidoumaru with continued, going beyond Sound Village. The only people to come out of Rain and Mist were guys, Sand has the same problem as Sound (and I refuse to put Temari with anyone but Shikamaru), and the only other village with any named characters whatsoever was the Leaf.

This narrowed it down significantly, as did the fact that Kidoumaru doesn't look old enough to be out of his teens yet (and I tend to want to place him at about sixteen). That cut all female jounin from the list, as they all seem to be in their mid-twenties. All that left is the four female genin. Sakura is with Lee, if she's going to be with anyone. Hinata is timid and therefore wildly unsuitable. Tenten is boring, and already taken as far as well-written crack goes (Kankuro, as it turns out). That left one.

Ino, who happens to be the first person and only I ever envisioned Kidoumaru with, is not a well-liked character. She is not as universally hated as Sakura, but far more people are indifferent to her. Kidoumaru is also not well-liked, and probably scales only above Jiroubou in regards to various Sound-nin's popularity. Ino is vivacious, loves life, and is alternately spontaneous and calculating. What do you know, so is Kidoumaru. I know, they've never met, and if they did, under most circumstances they'd try and kill each other, with Kidoumaru inevitably succeeding. This story isn't about most circumstances. This is about unlikely circumstances. It's about the Sound not giving a shit about Sasuke, and therefore none of them are dead. Meaning this is an AU. Duh. It's about the author's note being almost as long as the story itself. It's also about realizing this is going to be even more unpopular than the Kiba/Hinata one-shot I wrote two weeks ago (one review and counting). And so on.

Enjoy, or don't. It's up to you.

--

Ino had never been pining for Sasuke, exactly. She had dated other guys for years, even gone steady with one or two, but in the back of her mind, where she put all the other ideas and fantasies she had long since outgrown, Ino had always thought it would be nice to date Sasuke.

It would have been better if she'd lost him to Sakura fair and square. That's how it should have turned out, the next best thing to having Sasuke-kun for herself. But life never worked out quite as right as it did in all those romance novels she used to read. In the end, it wasn't even that she lost him to anyone in particular, as she never had a chance with him to begin with. Nature had seen to that.

Uchiha Sasuke was gay.

Ino hadn't found out in any particularly dramatic way. She hadn't walked in on Sasuke and Naruto making out in a cloistered bedroom (though this was an unlikely scenario; Naruto was engaged to Hinata and preferred women in general, thank-you-very-much). She hadn't even heard any decent rumors about possible threesomes Sasuke had engaged in lately (Kiba and Shino were exclusive, and both of them were possessive enough as it was).

It was just her and Sakura in a teahouse, talking about nothing in general, and Sakura mentioning Sasuke's difficulty with staying in a relationship for any length of time. Ino's suggestions of possible girlfriends were met with a blank stare.

"Ino, didn't you know? Sasuke likes guys."

And that was it.

It was even a passable excuse to be where she was, getting drunk in a bar, alone for once, in a village that wasn't Konoha (her father was overprotective and it was best to avoid all chances of contact when she did anything even remotely indecent). Ino's dissatisfaction wasn't so much with Sasuke's sexual preferences as it was with her own relationship issues. She hadn't dated any guy more than twice in over a year. It wasn't so much that she had high standards (she did, that just wasn't the problem) as it was that all the men she dated seemed to be missing something. Most of them had been perfectly sweet, considerate, excellent conversationalists, good looking and all that, but. . . safe.

Damn. So that was the problem.

For all her party-girl reputation, Ino had long since given up on dating anyone with any element of unpredictability at all, because her father wouldn't let her be with someone like that.

Maybe it was time that changed.

Ino glanced around the bar. No decent prospects. Most of the guys were already with someone or just. . . ugh. Ino did want to date someone that her father wouldn't entirely approve of (aka interesting) but she still had _some _standards. Then someone slipped into the seat beside her.

"Hey." Ino turned.

The first thing she noticed was his face, as it was less than a yard from her own. This was a good thing. Though definitely not the hottest guy she had ever met (that honor still went to Sasuke), he possessed rather striking features, an exotic appeal that Ino had never experienced before, and his flirtatious grin only enhanced his looks. His hairstyle vaguely reminded Ino of Shikamaru, but she could overlook that.

"Hey."

"Mind if I buy you a drink?" Especially since he was so definitely _not _Shikamaru.

She smiled back. "Sure."

The second thing she noticed was his arms as with a relaxed wave he signaled the bartender. The guy had six of them. Interesting.

As the dark-haired man turned back to her, he noticed her gaze. His grin faltered.

"Something wrong?" Her own smile widened.

"Not at all. I've just never seen someone with six arms before. Bloodline limit?"

His look became contemplative. "You're a shinobi."

She took her drink from the bartender with quiet thanks. "On occasion."

"What village?" She downed the liquor quickly, and slammed the glass back onto the countertop with a challenging grin.

"Does it really matter? I'm hardly on duty _now_." She raised an eyebrow. "Are you?"

He returned her grin. "I'm not stupid enough to be drinking on assignment."

"Good. Wouldn't want to be losing brain cells with a complete moron. What a waste of time that would be." She raised her glass. He mirrored her gesture before finishing off his own drink.

"Amen."

Simultaneously, they signaled the bartender.

Four drinks later. . .

"Gay, can you believe it? Though it just figures. The hottest guy in the village and he turns out to not even swing the right way."

"I got one on you. The girl on my team is a total babe, but she's a complete _bitch_. You never heard anyone _complain _so much. And god, every other word is an insult. Drives everyone nuts."

"At least you have a chance with her."

"I don't _want _a chance with her. Just being around her makes me want to consider guys as a viable option."

"Please don't. There are enough gorgeous men I don't have a chance with as it is."

Her new drinking buddy grinned. "You think I'm gorgeous?"

"Better looking than anyone else in this hellhole."

"That's not much of a compliment. It's like saying you're the most beautiful woman here, because all the others are hags."

"Thanks a lot."

Three more drinks. . .

"You know. . . you really are pretty hot."

"Are you coming onto me?" They were both grinning like idiots. Ino had stopped caring a whiskey and two vodka shots ago.

The dark-haired man considered. "Maybe. I don't really know." He shot her a mischievous smirk that came out looking slightly demented. Probably the alcohol. "I could just be thinking aloud."

"Good enough." They turned to the bartender. He rolled his eyes.

"Second floor, first room to the right. You can pay me in the morning." The two bar patrons looked at each other. Her new drinking partner shrugged.

"All I really wanted was a tequila, but. . ." He raised one eyebrow, the question clear in his eyes. She didn't keep him waiting. Interesting was what she had been looking for, and interesting was what she got. The fact that he was attractive was just a bonus.

"Works for me."

The next morning. . .

It took a moment for Ino to remember where she was. The hangover didn't help. Then she wished she hadn't remembered at all. Had she really just slept with some guy she met in a bar? The three arms wrapped around her waist made that a definite affirmative.

While she considered what to do next, he blearily opened one eye.

"Hmm. . ?" They stared at each other. There was an awkward silence.

"Uh. . . hi."

"Hi." More silence.

He smiled uneasily. "I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name."

Ino blinked. "Did we even exchange names last night?" With a shrug, he pushed himself up into a sitting position, and his dark hair flopped into his eyes. He thoughtlessly brushed it away. Ino couldn't help but think he looked good with his hair down.

"I don't know."

"Well, I'm Ino."

"Kidoumaru." More silence.

"Well, I should probably be getting home. My teammates are probably wondering where I am." She glanced at the wall clock, and groaned. "Especially considering I'm already an hour late for our morning training."

"Yeah, well, my comrades aren't going to be thrilled with me either. I didn't tell them I was leaving the village last night."

They quickly pulled on their clothes, not looking at each other, though Ino couldn't help but sneak a peek. Besides the blush (Good. At least the guy had _some _shame. Wouldn't want to have slept with an overconfident prick), from what Ino could see, the guy had some _very_ nice definition, especially in his back. Veeerrry nice.

"So. . ." He busied himself with putting his hair back up in a tail, and didn't meet her eyes. "I'll be seeing you?"

"Do you come here often?"

"Not really."

"Good. This place has awful décor. Meet me at that hotel down the street in a week. Five o'clock. Bring flowers." Kidoumaru (nice name. Ino could definitely live with dating a Kidoumaru) blinked. His eyes widened endearingly as she grabbed his chin and pulled him down to eye level, pushing their lips together for a short kiss. The gape just made it easier to get some tongue in. She smiled flirtatiously as the blush darkened, looking almost purple against his dark skin. "See you then." Let it never be said that Ino hesitated when boldness was called for. Lack of confrontational skills was more Hinata's forte.

She was grinning as she walked the path back to Konoha, happy despite the migraine, already planning what dress she was going to wear. Of course, it wasn't like Kidoumaru was a _boyfriend _or anything. She'd have to see his taste in flowers first before she decided that.


	2. Confessions of a Sound Kind

Author's Note: Don't worry "Fox and Shark" readers, this is just my 'silly crack' fic. It isn't going to overtake my 43,000+ (and counting) monster. "A Twisted Rhapsody" is just more lighthearted, and a little less draining to write. My "Fox and Shark" warm up, if you will. And this probably won't get beyond four or five chapters, anyway. And by the way, for those of you who like "Fox and Shark," go to www . finalknight . net / naruto / (remember to shove the spaces together) and vote for it in the Alternate Reality category. Please. Because I'm an award monger, and like to win things.

"How about this one?"

Ino smirked slightly at her boyfriend. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

Kidoumaru raised an eyebrow. "What? Something wrong with it?"

"No, it's just. . . Kidoumaru, I think you're sweet, but we've only been dating four months. I think it's a little soon to elope."

The dark-skinned shinobi paled. Ino couldn't help but laugh.

"Generally, Kidoumaru, one generally does not put a spider flower in a get-well bouquet."

". . . see any 'just like you as a friend, have no romantic feelings for you whatsoever' flowers around?"

"These are for that female teammate of yours, right? Tayuya?"

"Well, yeah. She kind of needs some cheering up, seeing as she's stuck in a bed for the next week and the television's busted."

"I'd recommend a cactus."

"A cactus."

"They represent endurance, but you could always get some chrysanthemums instead. Those would probably work better."

"Actually, considering its Tayuya, I think a cactus is pretty damn appropriate."

Sometime later in Sound Village. . .

Tayuya stared at the plant on her bedside table. The plant stared back.

"Why the hell is there a cactus in my room?"

Sakon shrugged. "Kidoumaru brought it in earlier, remember? It's the get-well present he came up with for you."

"What kind of dumb ass gives a cactus as a get-well gift?"

"One who knows you really well."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You don't have to water a cactus. I doubt this'll die like the gardenias Jiroubou gave you two days ago."

"Whatever. Just move already."

"Checkmate."

"Fuck!"

-

Ino sometimes wondered how she found herself in such ridiculous circumstances. Not that she minded this particular situation. Playing checkers in a gigantic web some seventy feet above ground was oddly fun, if you didn't take into account that every time the wind shifted, she couldn't help but feel like she was about to fall to her death.

"King me."

Ino glanced up, startled from her thoughts. "What?"

"King me."

She did so. "Remind me why we're playing up here, again?"

"You wanted to go somewhere where no one would find us."

"That's because I wanted to talk." She glanced around. "This is your bloodline limit?"

"A part of it."

"What else can you do?" She jumped two of Kidoumaru's pieces unfortunately placed too close to each other.

Kidoumaru studied the board. "I thought we agreed not to talk about our lives as shinobi."

"The only reason I agreed to that is because I thought this was only a fling."

The six-armed ninja raised an eyebrow. "A fling? What, were the flowers not close enough to the color of your eyes or something?"

The fact that the flowers _had_ been the exact shade of blue as her eyes was actually what had decided Ino on pursuing the relationship, but she wasn't about to tell _him _that. "You have a good eye for color, Kidoumaru. The problem wasn't you, it was me. My luck previous to you hadn't been that great with guys, so I didn't exactly get my hopes up. But our six-month anniversary is coming soon, and sad to say, that's the longest period of time I've ever been involved with anyone. I'd like to know more about you."

"Ino, it's not like I've tried to hide anything from you." He jumped one of her pieces.

"I'm not accusing you of anything. It's just. . . I know that you're an orphan, and that you were born in a village bordering between the Sand and Leaf. I know all the names of your comrades, what they like to eat and what their favorite colors are, and so many other small details about them that I feel that I've met them personally, like never to offer Jiroubou food unless you're already eaten your fill, and that Kimimaro almost died from a blood disease several years ago. But Kidoumaru. . . you've never even told me what village you're from."

"That's because I didn't think you'd like to know."

"Why not?" She shifted one of her remaining pieces to a corner.

He met her eyes. His own were hard. "One month ago, you told me you're from the Yamanaka clan, that you're comrades are from Nara and Akimichi. All shinobi villages have registers, Ino. Those are all Leaf clans. And my village is the sworn enemy of Konoha." One after another, her pieces were jumped, leaving only the one in the corner as her last bastion of defense.

Oh God. "You're from the Sound."

The dark-skinned shinobi stood, and turned away. "This is unfair to you. I'm at too much of an advantage up here. We should talk about this later."

"Shit that! We're talking about this here and now!"

Kidoumaru appeared confused. "Ino, we're dozens of feet about the ground in a net of chakra I could kill you with in seconds. This isn't the place to. . ."

"The fact that you're telling me this indicates you are not in fact going to use your so-called advantage. Now sit back down. We're going to discuss this. I'm sick of guys trying to dodge all the important issues." Ino thought for a moment. "Oh, and one more thing." She jumped three of his pieces, landing neatly on his side of the board. "King me."

Kidoumaru stared at the board. He stared at her. Both looks were incredulous. But he sat back down.

"So?"

"You really want to talk about this."

"Yes. Now start participating. Why would you join Orochimaru? I've heard stories. He kills his own men to further his ambitions. He sacrificed two Sound genin to kill the Third."

"Every village sacrifices its soldiers for the benefit of the village. And I owe Orochimaru-sama far more than my life. If it was his will, I would gladly die."

Kidoumaru had never struck Ino as a fanatic. He didn't seem to have the intensity to take something that seriously. The guy never took offense at anything, due to his overall good nature rather than a lack of interest like Shikamaru. But she could hear the fervor in his voice. He meant what he was saying. A chill ran down the back of her spine.

"What did he do for you that earned him your loyalty?"

"You know where I spent my childhood. In that farming village in the middle of nowhere, bordering between a desert and a forest. My mother never married my father, Ino. My mother died in childbirth. When I was a child, everyone. . ." One fist tightened. "Everyone told me I was the result of rape, that my father was a demon who took advantage of my mother. The only reason I wasn't drowned at birth was because my mother's last request was that her family would take me in. I grew up thinking that I was the one that killed my mother, that my father's bloodline destined me for the lowest circles of hell. And then Orochimaru-sama came. He told me the truth. My father was a shinobi from the far south, the last of his clan, who met my mother when she left home to escape her family. She went back to that godforsaken village after he died on a mission and she discovered she was pregnant. My mother's family knew. And they lied to me. For eight years. If it wasn't for Orochimaru-sama, I'd still be back there. The way I was back then, I wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't killed myself by the time I hit puberty." Kidoumaru's voice cracked. "Do you understand now, Ino? I owe Orochimaru-sama everything. It doesn't matter if I agree with his orders or not, if it weren't for him, I'd be dead, or something even worse." The dark-skinned shinobi swallowed convulsingly. His breathing was ragged. When he closed his eyes, it almost seemed like he was trying to hold back tears.

Ino stayed silent, the wheels in her head churning. Kidoumaru's life history explained a lot. It probably paralleled the lives of all the childhoods of the Sound-nin. No family. No home to return to. In the end, no divided loyalties. Orochimaru's motives almost certainly had been anything but altruistic, but even if she told him, Kidoumaru wouldn't care. So she went with her initial instinct.

Kidoumaru stiffened when he felt her presence near, but she wrapped her arms around him anyway. She had situated herself so her mouth was conveniently close to his ear. Best play this carefully. Having her boyfriend regret sharing his secrets with her could be an even bigger wedge in the relationship than the whole Leaf-Sound thing. She whispered quietly, "I guess that means you'll be taking the Yamanaka name if we get married, than."

Kidoumaru still had the endearing habit of gaping slightly when surprised. Or perhaps he did it on purpose. Either way, her boyfriend didn't seem to mind much when their kissing went beyond the absolutely chaste. Anyone who thought the French Kiss was disgusting obviously had never done it properly.

In their haste to get each others' clothes off, the checkers board was knocked over and the pieces went flying into the undergrowth. Both Ino and Kidoumaru were beyond caring. Neither of them were much into checkers, anyway.

-

"Hey, Ino, what do you want to do for dinner tonight?"

The kunoichi glanced up from her salad. "Dinner?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Your birthday dinner. Do you want to go to the all-you-can-eat place like usual, or do something different this year?"

"Oh geez, sorry, but I have plans tonight. How about we get together tomorrow?" She grinned cheekily. "You can give me my presents then." The blonde shinobi stood. "I have to go. Be seeing you guys."

Shikamaru and Chouji watched her exit the restaurant. Shikamaru shook his head in despair. "Women. We go out for dinner every year on her birthday for the past ten years, and she barely gives us a few hours warning before she changes everything around."

"Maybe she's eating her birthday dinner with her family this time."

"She does breakfast with her family. Ino's probably off with that boyfriend of hers that no one ever sees."

Chouji choked on his stir-fry. "Since when does Ino have a boyfriend?"

"Since about six or seven months ago. When she started acting weird and sneaking off at odd hours."

"I thought she didn't like to be tied down."

"Eh. People change."

"So who's the boyfriend?"

"No idea. Never bothered to find out."

Chouji rolled his eyes. "Too troublesome for you?"

"Got it in one."

-

"Oy, shithead, where you going?"

"I've got something to do."

Tayuya rolled her eyes. "You're always doing something these days. Come train with us, for once."

"I told you, I have plans."

Sakon snorted. "Well, all these plans of yours aren't helping you get any stronger. If it weren't for your increased chakra manipulation, Orochimaru-sama would have said something by now."

"Fine, fine. I'll train with you guys tomorrow, but I can't tonight. I'm already late." They watched him go. A moment of silence followed his absence. Then,

"What the hell was in that backpack?"

Jiroubou glanced momentarily up from his lunch. "Probably a gift for his girlfriend." Sakon and Tayuya stared at the large shinobi.

"Girlfriend?"

"When did the six-armed freak get a girlfriend?"

"I don't know. A couple of months ago, I think, when he started disappearing with no explanation."

"Why the fuck didn't you say anything before?"

"You didn't ask."


	3. Took Them Long Enough to Notice

Author's Note: And this is where the inevitable unraveling of their relationship begins. One wonders how they managed to keep it a secret so long, considering all their friends and teammates are shinobi.

Shikamaru and Chouji were still eating when Sakura entered the restaurant, dressed casually and holding a shopping bag. She stood at the entrance and surveyed the room, eyes brightening when she caught sight of them. The kunoichi walked over, but before she could open her mouth, Shikamaru mumbled tiredly, "If you're looking for Ino, you missed her already. She left about ten minutes ago."

Sakura blinked. "Left? Where did she go? I told her I was going to take her shopping this afternoon. She needs a dress for the party tonight."

Shikamaru sighed. "Yeah, well, she isn't going to be at the party. She has other plans this year."

"Is she eating dinner with her family?"

"She's going out with her boyfriend."

"When did Ino get a boyfriend!"

Half an hour of explaining later. . .

Sakura looked thoughtful. "So, Ino is trying to keep her new beau a secret."

"Yeah? So?"

Sakura rolled her eyes at Shikamaru's apathy.

"So, she's obviously going out with someone she knows her father won't approve of. Someone not completely safe. We have to find out who it is."

"Why?"

"She could be seeing someone dangerous! Don't you care that your teammate might be in trouble?"

"Sakura, she's been dating this guy for over half a year. If this new boyfriend of hers was a threat, something would have happened by now."

"You don't know that! We have to follow her, just to make sure."

"Who's we?"

The look the pink-haired kunoichi gave him sent a shiver down Shikamaru's spine.

"_We're_ we."

". . . right."

"Why are we doing this again?"

"The freak's had a girlfriend for months and hasn't told us shit. No way am I letting something like this slide."

"Can't we just be happy for him and go back home?"

"_No_."

"I can't believe I got dragged away from lunch to watch Kidoumaru meet with some random woman."

"_You're _the one who told Tayuya that Kidoumaru has a girlfriend."

"I know. And I'm really regretting it."

"Faggot, fatass, shut up already. He's slowing down."

They stopped. Tayuya whipped out a pair of binoculars and pressed them to her face. "What the hell? He's just standing there."

"He probably got to their rendezvous before she did."

"Wait a second, someone's coming."

A moment of silence.

"What the fuck!"

"What? What is it?"

"I don't believe this."

"Tayuya, either tell us what's going on or hand over the binoculars."

"She's a blonde. A fucking blonde, blue-eyed, leggy blonde. She looks like a fucking supermodel. How the hell did the freak score a sweetheart like that?"

"Personality?"

"Maybe it isn't her."

"Oh yeah, it's her, unless Kidoumaru's gotten into the habit of frenching with random women."

"That's it. Give me those."

Tayuya glared as Sakon yanked the binoculars out of her hands and pushed them against his own face. There was a moment of silence.

"Well?"

"She is good-looking, but. . . I think I've seen her before. . ."

"What, at a drag show?"

"I've never cross-dressed in my life. Why do you always insist that I'm some sort of queen?"

"Tayuya's jealous that three out of the five guys on the team are more feminine than her."

"Damn it fatass, I thought I told you to shut it!"

"What, like I _like _being mistaken for a girl all the time?"

"Your lipstick sure gives that impression."

"It's a clan thing, damn it! I'm not trying to pass as a woman!"

"So your whole clan consists of a bunch of fucking fairies? How did it ever last beyond one generation?"

"Will you _stop_ with the gay jokes already?"

"Hm? Sakon, what's going on? If there's a fight, you should have woken me up."

"We're on a stakeout, brother."

"Since when did a stakeout involve so much yelling?"

"It's not a mission. Kidoumaru has a girlfriend. A really, really hot one."

"Ah." With no further warning, Ukon snatched the binoculars out of his younger brother's hands.

"Hey! Ask first if you want to use those!"

"Big brother prerogative. I ask for nothing." The elder brother peered through the lenses. "Hmm. . ."

"Well, what are they doing?"

Ukon lowered the binoculars with a frown. "Either this whole thing is a joke, or they've already left."

"What!"

"I know why Chouji and I are here. We were forced to come. I know why Sakura's here. She's hopelessly nosy and invasive."

"Hey!"

Shikamaru ignored her. "But what the hell are you three doing along? I didn't think any of you knew Ino all that well."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head, and chuckled embarrassingly. "Hinata's planning our wedding right now, and she wanted me to help. I needed something to do to get out of the way."

"Shino wanted to discuss our relationship."

"What, really? He never struck me as that sort of guy."

"Well, he's not, but apparently in his clan there's a time limit to finding someone to settle down with, and he's going to reach it soon. I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of commitment, so I just came along to have some time to think it over."

"Ruff!"

"Oh, and Miki's going to have puppies soon, so mom kicked Akamaru out of the house."

". . ."

"Okay. . . so we have two with relationship troubles and a no comment from Neji. Anyone else coming that I haven't been told about?"

Sakura shrugged. "Lee was planning on joining us, but he got hit by a carriage when trying to save a squirrel from a falling piano and had to stay home with an icepack."

"That's. . . interesting. So Kiba, got anything yet?"

"Well, her trail's pretty clear. Doesn't look like she did much to hide it. Are you sure her boyfriend's that big a deal?"

"Ino _loves _to brag about her conquests, and she hasn't said a word to me about this one. Something weird is going on."

"Stop."

The Konoha shinobi landed, and looked inquiringly at Neji. The Hyuuga prodigy's eyes had the telltale strain marks around them, signifying his use of the Byakuugan. Currently, he was staring intently at something out of the sight of the rest of the group.

"Well? Is she meeting with her secret lover or what?"

"She is currently engaged in an open-mouth make-out session with a spider."

"What!"

"Miscalculation. She is currently engaged in an open-mouth make-out session with a man with six arms. Early twenties. Approximately five feet, eight inches. Considering chakra levels, most likely jounin rank. Considering chakra refinement, specializes in techniques involving extremely precise chakra control. No hitai-ate headband on his person. No weaponry in hand, two kunai strapped to his left thigh. Backpack containing some clothing of unknown fabric and food appropriate for eating cold. Currently somewhat aroused, judging by body temperature, heartbeat, and speed of respiration. Two arms clasped around the target's waste and one touching her-"

"Thank you Neji, but I think we've entered the realm of thing we do not need to know."

"God, no wonder Ino didn't mention this guy to us. Think of what her father would say if word got back."

"How freaky. Six arms? That is one weird bloodline limit. What could Ino possibly see in someone like that?"

"Shit, Sakura, don't be so judgmental. With that many limbs, this new guy must be a tiger in bed."

"Spider."

"Whatever. Hey, think he's open-minded? A threesome would be just the thing to keep Shino distracted for a while."

"Even if he is, do you think for one second that Ino would allow something like that?"

"Good point. If this guy's been dating Ino as long as you say he has, he was probably pussy-whipped months ago. And I can smell Ino's mark all over him even from here. No way in hell I'm gonna infringe on _that_ girl's territory."

"They have ceased oral relations, and are now moving east at approximately ten miles an hour."

"Crap, that slow? Gotta be a date."

"What, the tongue action wasn't a clue, runt?"

"At least I'm not emotionally stunted, dog-breath!"

"I dare you to say that again!"

"You're an indecisive playboy who's leading his boyfriend on for a cheap fuck! And you smell bad!"

"Why you little-"

"Damn it you two, stop acting like three-year-olds! We're on a mission here!"

"This isn't any of your concern, bitch!"

"How dare you talk to Sakura-chan like that!"

"The target and the unidentified shinobi are out of Byakuugan range. Disengaging bloodline limit. . . now."

Shikamaru sighed. "Well, this was a waste of time. Your guys' bickering lost Ino."

"They were moving in a straight line. We can still catch them!"

"Whatever. I'm going home."

"No, you're not."

"Listen, even if Ino isn't coming, Chouji and I have reservations at that all-you-can-eat place and they really hate it when you don't show up. Slap us with a charge and everything. I don't want to put up with the hassle."

"If you think paying a late charge is bad, consider the _severe_ inconvenience of a very large hospital bill that comes as a result of pissing off a girl in the middle of her menstrual cycle."

". . . fine."

"Thought you'd say that."

"Hey, Ino. . . do you get the feeling that we're being watched?"

"No. Should I?"

"Something's been messing with my chakra webs." Kidoumaru pulled off his backpack and held it out to the kunoichi. "Could you hold this for a second?"

"Sure!"

"Thanks. . . but don't look inside."

Ino pouted cutely. She had asked Kidoumaru a minimum of six times what exactly he had gotten her, but the Sound-nin's extensive ninja training had not all been in vain. He did know how to keep a secret, even against the imploring eyes of his far-too-beautiful-and-sexy girlfriend.

The dark-haired shinobi turned, his brow narrowed in concentration as he manipulated the nigh-invisible chakra threads kept around him at all times. With a sharp, sudden yank, he pulled a group of figures out of the shadows with a triumphant grin. The family of deer stared at him in terror.

"Kidoumaru, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Uh. . ."

"These poor deer were probably just following us because of the smell of food, and you scared the poor things to death! Let them go right now!"

". . . right. Sorry." The deer fled in terror. Kidoumaru rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Guess I'm a little paranoid, huh?"

"You think? But you can make it up to me."

"Um. . ." Kidoumaru wasn't exactly sure what he had to make up for. Apologizing to a deer seemed rather nonsensical, but Ino was angry and it was best to pacify her, and there were worse things. "Sure."

"Carry my purse, will you?"

"What does that have to do with the deer?"

"Who's talking about the deer?"

Normally, lugging around a woman's purse wasn't that big a deal, no matter how much make-up was in it. But Kidoumaru was already shouldering a rather heavy backpack (after he had gotten it back from Ino, that is), and a kunoichi's purse was more like her spare stock of gear, easily weighing a good twenty pounds and not really a purse at all. But as had been said before, there were worse things than pacifying Ino's anger. One such thing was suffering the full force of said anger. And while the sex was good when Ino was manifesting the full force of her fury, she was just as likely to refuse any notion of intercourse at all, and the odds weren't that great. Kidoumaru figured he could stand being a coat rack for a while.

"Of course, dear. Anything you say."

As Ino smiled her pleased cat grin, the one that said she had gotten exactly what she wanted, Kidoumaru felt part of him melt inside. The rest of him followed as she leaned in and gave him a rather chaste kiss (or at least it would have been, if it hadn't been situated on his neck and involved the slightest bit of tongue.)

"Good boy."

She made him sound like a dog. Kidoumaru found he didn't mind in the least.

"Man, I knew he was whipped, but this guy is totally Ino's bitch."

"This is. . . disconcerting."

"Sakura-chan, are you sure it isn't this guy being taken advantage of instead of the other way around?"

". . . no, not really. But we have to see this through to the end, nonetheless."

"We're totally missing out on dinner here, Shikamaru."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

"We missed something good, I just know it."

"No shit. The freak's looking like he was fed a pile of crack and liked it."

"Can we leave now?"

"Hell, no. This is just starting to get interesting."


End file.
